The Daily Raider
COMBINE BUNCH OF RANDOM CRAP TO FORM ALBUM ART...NOW!
When Doom asked me [for accuracy's sake, it was more an enforced assignment than something on a request basis] to review Fort Minor's first album, my preeminent feeling was of ambivalence as I knew nothing of Fort Minor or the album Fort Minor produced. Upon learning of the album's origin, I desperately wished Doom had not chosen me to write about the horrors of Fort Minor. I need not bore you with the history of Linkin Park's Crimes Against Music, but Mike Shinoda, known as "the rapper-type guy" in the band to the Linkin Park faithful, created Fort Minor as a side-project because assaulting the world of rock was not enough. He assembles a lineup of collaborators [or one could say, partners in crime] to put together one truly terrible CD of music. At Doom's behest, I bring you the reviews of Fort Minor's The Rising Tied.
HULK HATE LOSERS FROM RAP-METAL! HULK REALLY HATE LOSERS FROM RAP-METAL WHO TRY TO MAKE REGULAR RAP! PUNY HUMAN MIKE SHINODA ANGERS HULK IN WAYS ONLY AMERICAN MILITARY AND GENERAL STUPIDBOLT ROSS ANGER HULK! IF BUCK 65 SAT ON A JUICER FOR 3 WEEKS, HE'D BE SOUNDING LIKE PUNY MIKE SHINODA OF FAGGOT PARK! OOH, HULK REAL IMPRESSED WITH A-B-A-B RHYME STRUCTURE (HULK SARCASTIC)! FORT MINOR DERIVES NAME FROM MINOR KEY IN MUSIC THEORY. AND FROM 'FORT' MEANING AGGRESSIVE. HULK THINKS IS CRAP, BECAUSE PUNY SHINODA NOT KNOW MUSIC THEORY, NO THEORY WOULD MAKE SOMEONE SUCK THIS MUCH! HULK BET SHINODA BASED NAME ON CHILDHOOD FORT HE HAD. IT IS MINOR BECAUSE HULK SMASH STUPID FORT!!!!
OOH, WAHH, WAHH, WAHH, MIKE JERKNODA ANGRY AT THINGS! HULK ANGRY AT THINGS TOO, BUT HULK SMASHES STUPID THINGS ANGERING HULK (INCLUDING BEN "THE THING" GRIMM!!), NOT MAKE CRAPPY RAP MUSIC WHICH SHINODA DOES! RAPPER GUY FROM LINKIN PARK ONLY GETS STUPID LITTLE PARTS IN SONGS AND PLAYS A LITTLE KEYBOARD USUALLY! YOU KNOW WHY?! EVEN LINKIN FAGGOTS KNOW HE SUCKS! HE RAPS ABOUT INTERNMENT CAMPS AND HOW CRITICS DON'T RESPECT HIM, BOO HOO! IF LOSER HAD BALLS HE WOULDN'T HIDE FEELINGS FOR CRITICS IN CRAPPY SONG NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO! WIMPY MAN STEALING STYLE FROM COLORED MAN COMPLAINING ABOUT 'THE MAN' KEEPING HIM DOWN! HULK LAUGH HEARTY LAUGH. HAHAHAHAHA!
It'd be fine were Mike Shinoda to have any sort of lyrical talent, as lyrical talent could make up for flow problems. At points the scratchy, gravelly vocalizations of MF DOOM grate, for example, but his immaculate way of rhyming words more than compensate for any momentary annoyances with the voicebox. Shinoda has not the luxury of great rhymes, making it a very tedious affair quickly. Sure, he says a lot about topics apparently important to him, but just because one can open one's gullet to moan about the horrors of the recording industry and how tough it is to be in a popular band with many dollars but not a lick of natural talent other than the repeat of the same few chords over and over again, and Linkin Park's singer using the word "pain" to invite swooning from the female set...doesn't mean one should. Criticism of the record industry is possible, but it only works if there is grounding in, well, reality. Del the Funky Homosapien's anti-label screed "Del's Nightmare" worked well because the man did battle with Elektra over content and quality and eventually the label dropped him in addition to shelving his third album. Shinoda also whines about how critics hate him, or call him names, or something. He claims in the song ("High Road") that "I'm tryin to be bigger than the bickerin/bigger than the petty name callin" and yet the entire thesis of the track IS slamming critics for not understanding him or not liking him. The puerile, petty nature of his rhymes combined with his lack of flow and annoying swagger do little to endear me to him.
I mentioned Shinoda's 'annoying swagger' only in passing in the culmination of the last paragraph, so let me elaborate on my comment. The man uses the word 'infer' in one song ("Get Me Gone", aka "Time to whine about the criticism lobbed at Linkin Park") and then actually devotes several lines to boasting about his use of the word infer. "Oh, did I lose you at infer?/Not used to hearing a verse that uses over first grade vocabulary words?" The irony is that in the entire series of verses, infer may be the ONLY word a person might need to look up in a dictionary. Whereas MCs like MF DOOM show a clear love of words and rhyming them in unexpected ways, Shinoda merely shows off...and botches the showboating with his complete lack of advanced vocabulary anywhere else, save for a few choice instances. The overwrought braggadocio in his bizarre Kevin Federline-esque sense of entitlement confounds, confuses, discomfits, puzzles, mystifies, baffles, and above all else clutters my mind with more Mike Shinoda psyche information than I care for.
Surprisingly, a strong stable of guests appear on the disc, from the likes of Common, Black Thought and Ghostface Killah to the ever-present isn't-he-supposed-to-have-retired-from-something? Jay-Z. The latter doesn't drop any verses, but still snags an executive producer credit, likely meaning he was aware of The Rising Tied existing as an album but little else considering the number of guest appearances, producing credits, mash-ups, and so on one can attribute to him recently. The guests do a decent job, but the guest verses feel work-for-hire as opposed to an organic branching of collaboration. At best the rappers make one wish for an album not overseen by Master of Ceremonies Mike Shinoda as EVERY guest outclasses him in lyrics, vocals, flow and everything else required for competent rapping and at best one thinks "Ghostface/Common/Black Thought is capable of better".
The production on The Rising Tied doesn't shock me, but it does pain me. What does Linkin Park do? Shamelessly ape the style of other rap-metal acts. Then, theoretically, what does one expect Fort Minor to do? Shamelessly ape the production style of mainstream rap, unaffectionately monikered "bling-bling hip-hop", of course. I figured the only way it could be pulled off well and not descend into vicious self-parody, is if the entire album functioned as a satire of the bling-bling hip-hop currently besieging our nation. It doesn't. It almost feels like Shinoda is putting on blackface, putting on a big pair of stark white lips and putting on a minstrel show. I modify my previous statements; about 33% to 50% of The Rising Tied features music clearly inspired by the hackery and wussery popularly attributed to the 'music' 'stylings' of 'band' Linkin Park. I understand this because Shinoda has spent several tours of duty on the musical atrocity, but why bother running a side project intended to be unlike Linkin Park when much of the production reminds listeners OF Linkin Park? It makes little sense.
Instead of recommending The Rising Tied by Fort Minor, I suggest the recent releases made by anyone guest starring on the album. Fishscale, Ghostface Killah's latest, may be one of the finest albums composed in the last 5 years. Be by Common remains solid, even if I preferred Electric Circus. In about a month The Roots release Game Theory, by all means looking to be a very good new disc. But if regurgitation of rap-rock and shameless aping of styles worn out by others a long time ago tickles your fancy, by all means, listen to The Rising Tied. Don't say I didn't warn you.
